I don't know why Pat wouldn't put this review on his blog?

Batman Begins, as does this review.


First of all, Fuck you Robert Ebert and praise you. You started off with “the movie is not realistic…” OK, Mr. Former Humvee, how realistic is a gastric bypass? Guess what, I’ve assisted on numerous gastric bypasses. I know exactly what they’re like. Obesity is evil and I’ve tried to fight it. But obese people are damaged goods who could never overcome childhood trauma, unlike Batman, who COULD overcome his childhood trauma. Yes, I’ve talked to all these simpering fatboes, who always want more pain medicines for any little thing. Batman would squash them like banana slugs in the gravel path. OK, I’ve not even watched the whole movie yet. It’s on pause on my oversize TV. I’m going back now to watch the rest of it and then I will finish this review.

OK. I’ve watched almost all of it, up to the point of the kiss (Christian Bale vs., Katie Holmes, now impregnated by Tom Cruise, and hey I’m cool with that). I’m inspired. I want to fight evil. I told my eight-year-old to fight evil, but he said he didn’t want to, but then shot me with his EMP rifle.

Well, I still want to fight evil. When I rented this movie at Hollywood Videos, there was a sign that said, if you like this movie, you’d like blah, blah, blah …Blade Runner. Oh man. Cut me with a scimitar. Blade Runner is my all-time number one movie. OK. Rutger Hauer was in this movie. Rutger is the incarnation of evil, at least as an actor. But, I suspect if I could only meet him, he would be a profound person, devoid of real evil. And there was one scene with the oriental bicycle-neon effects that gives the impression of Blade Runner, but not much more. No, this isn’t Blade Runner, but I dig it. Hear that, you saggy adipose freak.

Well, I really am inspired to fight evil. Maybe it has something to do with Famous Grouse, but you minions figure that out. I have always fantasized about finding a criminal in action (maybe a rape) and pulling out my 25 caliber Beretta, which I keep in my car (I do have a concealed weapon license.) and dispatching the rapist with a few words of significance. Like, “ You picked the wrong night to do the penis dance,” or something like that.

OK. I know that some of you out there in cyberspace have enjoyed my reviews and I appreciate that. But, this movie has grabbed me. For instance, I’m keeping an eye on my neighbor. One night, I came home and there were eight, (count em) eight cop cars blocking the entrance to my driveway (0.2 miles, gravel). I pulled up and the cop said, “Who are you?” I said, “I live down there,” He said, “You can’t go down there.” I said, “My wife is down there, get out of my way.” He did. Well, it turned out, some guys had invaded my neighbor’s house and tied up his (then) wife and said they were going to kill her. They ransacked the house and then left.

Now, it’s a number of years later and there’s a new wife and several kids. One is a fifteen-year-old named Jake. Jake always seems really friendly and waves at me, but then he’s running away and one time comes to our house and then one time comes to another neighbor (Naife, who gives really great massages), and the cops come and he goes back and then gets hit by Mike, but his mother says he threatened to kill them and described exactly how he’d do it and in what room, etc. I’m just watching right now. Just like Batman. Just like Christian Bale, who was great in American Psycho.

My friend Pat? He’s got some really heavy artillery. I mean really heavy. He’s let me shoot this stuff at Tri County. Bad guys, I’m just waiting. If you’re not Batman, you’re Bad Man.